8 1/2 weeks and pregnancy looks good

I had a doctor's appointment today. I was a bit nervous about it since the 8 week mark is a common time for women to miscarry and sometimes one doesn't know until she goes in for her ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. It has happened to several of my friends. However, thankfully, that was not the case for me! Everything was looking just fine and the baby is exactly the right size for how far along I am. I got to see the baby wiggle as well as the heartbeat. He/She has little arms and little legs and is about an inch long. Today was my last visit with Dr. Trobough. In 2 weeks I'll have my first appointment with Dr. Rosenburg, who is technically my regular OB.

As far as my health goes, I'm doing pretty well. My cysts are still there, but decreasing. I often will feel queasy for about half of the day and it often flip flops which half that is. Maybe I'll get through this pregnancy without throwing up... but I'm not counting on it. Around 2:00 every afternoon, I hit a wall and become absolutely exhausted. So I am still trying to lay down every day for an hour or so while Mattie takes a play nap. This has been going pretty well, overall.

Here's the picture of our little munchkin:

One healthy heartbeat

We went to the doctor's yesterday morning. Good news. The baby was a smidgen bigger than expected and the little heart was beating away! Bob was relieved that there was only 1 heartbeat. :) Seeing the heartbeat was a relief to me- but I still will not feel totally confident about things for another 3-4 weeks after I have passed the 10 week mark. I have another appointment in 2 weeks on September 7th.

Here is a picture of our little one. The dark spot in the middle is the sack. The dotted line covers the small image of the baby. The 2 dark spots on either side are both cysts that I have that still need to go down. Over time they will. My activity is limited until then- you don't want them to twist or burst. For perspective, my cysts are about an inch in diameter. I guess that must be about how big my sack is right now.

Tomorrow's a big day!

Tomorrow at 8:45AM I have the ultrasound we've been waiting for. Tomorrow's the big day to find out if we see a little heartbeat- or even 2 little heartbeats. By doing injectible medication, I have a 20% chance of having twins. I honestly don't care! I just want a healthy little one or ones! :)

The Spiritual Journey

I do not understand God's Ways at times. All I know is that "waiting" has been a bit of a reoccurring theme in my life. The waiting I have had to sometimes endure, however, has always ended well. Waiting to get married, for example. It was a difficult road to endure singleness for so long when my heart longed and ached to be married. However, I can see the character building God did along the way to make me ready for my hubby, Bob. I don't know how much stuff in the World God is controlling Himself- there are circumstances in the World that God allows but I know He did not cause. All I know is that he can take ALL things and use them for good and for His purposes (Rom 8:28)

I do know that God certainly needed to work on me and my character during this time of waiting and infertility. I had drifted from Him. I was so focused on Mattie and our new house and on life in general. That in itself is not bad- but God wanted to be a part of it and I was not asking Him to join me in it. I needed to start reading the Word again. I needed to feel His presence again. I was a zombie and just going through the motions because technically, I was doing just fine without including God. I didn't really "need" Him. I was living my "dream"... mostly. My plan included more than one child. My plan included having kids that were about 2 years apart- no more than 2 1/2 years apart. Though we started the process early, after a year, it was becoming obvious that things weren't going to be going according to MY plan. I was not too upset about this at first... I'd be getting pregnant any month now. But then month after month after month passed... no pregnancy. I started getting discouraged and frustrated. I was doing everything possible to make things happen! The doctors told me there was no apparent reason why I was not getting pregnant. Why was God allowing every other woman around me to get pregnant but not me (and there were seriously a lot of my friends getting pregnant!)? What was God trying to teach me? I started to feel that God had it out for me- though I knew that ultimately was not true- but it felt that way! I battled jealousy for all these women around me that seemed to be able to get pregnant by sneezing. I didn't like how I felt inside. That is when I started looking within. It was time to let go of CONTROL. Oh that blasted word, CONTROL! What a curse it is on most females. Most of us crave it, strive for it, manipulate to get it. I know I desire control. I want to plan things out and I want them to go according to MY plan. It was becoming obvious that I was not in control of this.

Then I just got sad. I felt exactly the same as when I was single and feeling like there was no man in sight. I had this deep and strong desire in my heart- a desire that was good. But it just wasn't happening. I had to let go of my dream. I remember the night I let go of my dream of marriage. I had to grieve it and then lay it at the feet of God as an offering. This didn't mean I didn't still hope for marriage- no! But I had to let go of the control of that dream. Ultimately, I was in the hands of God. I had to choose GOD over that dream. I had to also now choose God over my dream of multiple children. I had to accept that Mattie could be my only child. Being an only child for 10 years and really wanting a sibling (before my brother was born- yay!), I told myself that I never wanted to only have just one. But I had to be ready for that reality. And I had to accept that reality in the face of no explanation for it except that it was God's Will for me. There didn't seem to be any medical reason for it.

When things get "good" and "easy" in life, I tend to drift from God. It's the trials that bring me to my knees.

Romans 5:1-5 says it perfectly:
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Amen.

The long road...

We have endured 2 long years of unexplained infertility. It has been a frustrating process to say the least. I got pregnant so easily the first time and miscarried. Then I got pregnant the first month trying after the miscarriage with our sweet Mattie. After Mattie was born, we waited until she was 8 months to start trying again. We assumed it wouldn't take long... boy were we wrong! After 8 months of no luck, I thought maybe I wasn't getting pregnant because I was breast feeding. So when Mattie was 16 months, I weaned her. Month after month passed and still nothing. So when Mattie was about 20 months, I went to the doctor and asked to go on drugs (Clomid) to help things along. The doctor at the time was hesitant because he was convinced that I should have no problems getting pregnant. I basically begged him. Well, after a couple of months, Clomid wasn't working. Luckily, I was able to start seeing the fertility specialist at the women's clinic. He is very systematic in his treatment. He prescribes 3 cycles of Clomid with intercourse. Then if that doesn't work (which it didn't for us), then we move on to Clomid with IUI. IUI is inter-uterine-insemination or artificial insemination or the "turkey baster" as we like to call it. After 3 failed cycles of that, then we move on to injectible medication with IUI. With injectible medication, I inject myself with shots for 7 days straight. Then I give myself a shot that makes me ovulate. Finally, I am inseminated 2 days in a row. For perspective, about 40-60 million sperm are injected straight into my uterus. So when this didn't work, I was devastated.